Communicating Our Past to Heal
I know someone who was sexually assaulted by her older brother when she was 4 years old — she never had a good relationship with opposite sex since. She unknowingly comfortable having a relationship with similar sex. Another friend who is so apologetic, she accepts mistakes she never did to avoid confrontations. This made her boyfriend abuse her for 5 years. In our conversation, we found out that when she was in her third grade; she heard her parents say that her classmate was adopted. She mentioned it to her classmate during their heated arguments.
These stories keep on repeating in their mind, without consciously knowing it. Because our body remembers. Emotion is the language of our body. I remember someone who was frightened by rain and lightning. Then later on, a family friend told him that when he was a child, he was trapped in a building alone in the middle of the rainy night. This made him understand why he acted that way and learned how to deal with it.
The reason we remember things in the past is to use the information to prepare ourselves for the occurrence of the same situation in the future. Those thoughts will stay with us unless we know what to do if the same situation or related incident happened again.
There are two popular ways of addressing it:
- Exposing yourself to the things that you’re afraid of, disgusted, or things that you’re likely to avoid and;
- Communicating with your past and start talking those things through.
Note: Remember that each of us has a different level of wound or trauma that we are carrying inside us. You may seek professional help whom you can work with or talk about the processes that will work for you.
Here are some affirmation from Thich Nhat Hanh — The Art of Communication that you can use to make peace with your past and create a stronger relationship to others and to ourselves.
- Listening to your inner wounded child. Go back to your inner child 5 to 10 minutes a day. You can talk to the child several times a day for healing to take effect because the little child has been left alone for a long time. You can also cry if you have to.
“Dear one, in the past I left you alone, I have gone away from you for so long, I’m sorry. Now, I have come back to take care of you, to embrace you. I know you suffer so much that I have neglected you. But now I have learned the way to take care of you, I am here now”
2. Writing a love letter. If you have difficulties with someone in your life that you haven’t seen for years or someone who no longer lives. Even if we can never see that person, we can still reconcile inside ourselves and the relationship can heal.
“My dear, I know you have suffered a lot over the past many years, I could not help you. In fact, I have made the situation worse. I do not intend to make you suffer, maybe I’m not skillful enough, maybe I tried to impose my ideas on you. In the past, I thought you made me suffer, now I realized that I’m responsible for my suffering. I promise to not say things or do things that make you suffer. Please tell me what is in your heart, you need to help me. Otherwise it is not possible for me to do it, I can’t do it alone.“
Whether you send it, you’ll find that after you make this letter, you’re not the same person who began it. Peace, understanding and compassion have transformed you.
3. Peace Treaties / Peace Note. When we sign the peace treaty, we are making peace not only to the other person but to ourselves. The Peace Note can be a healing tool when someone has said or done something that seems unkind.
One person looking at the root of our suffering is good, two people looking is better and two people looking together is best.
It’s a courageous act for a person to come and accept that he or she has something to face that’s been unshakable inside. The readiness to seek help and the desire to surface our issues are difficult and will take time. Be patient and be aware of these forces that influence our actions and decisions. Be aware of what’s going on within you in your process of healing.
Using these tools, we can create an awareness of our own wound that cleanses us of our illusions and intensifies every aspect of our relationship experience.
