Convince without Convincing
How to deal with conflict more effectively? There are three barriers to overcome to have a more effective conversation according to Dan Shapiro author of Negotiating the Nonnegotiable.
- Identity. Because of our identity — our core values and beliefs — we become emotional in certain conversations. When our identity is under threat, we become emotional. You must be aware of your values and identity. As you come to a deeper understanding of who you are, your needs and purpose become clearer, and you eventually learn how to maintain balance even when your identity is threatened.
- Appreciation. Each side would like to feel valued and appreciated. Listen and understand. When the emotion is high, don’t talk. A person who is emotionally unstable cannot think clearly. We need to address emotion to emotion, a reason to reason. Understand why they believe what they believe and why are they so passionate about their beliefs. Once you realize how valuable their viewpoint is, try to understand where they are coming from.
- Affiliation. What’s the emotional connection between you and the other side? We usually consider arguments as war. The “I’m right, you’re wrong” mentality can be detrimental. Consider the other person as your partner. Shiting from “me versus you” to the two-of-us shared problem.
Putting these three considerations will change the nature of the conversation. From enemy to partner. Adam Grant has his own version of how to win debates from his book Think Again. He said
If we approach an argument as a war, there will be winners and losers. If we see it more as a dance, we can begin to choreograph a way forward.
He continued, “The skilled negotiators rarely went on offense or defense. They appeared less assertive, but much like in a dance, they led by letting their partners step forward. They are not telling their counterparts what to think, they ask them to dance, he added. “
He emphasized the value of harmony and rhythm in conflict resolution and compared conflict resolution to dancing. To get in harmony, we needed to step back from time to time. And for some reason, the other person becomes hostile and angry, you can show more interest and curiosity and stay calm. Your calmness is a sign of strength when someone is losing control. These are three important ideas to consider in engaging in meaningful conversation according to Adam Grant.
- Common ground. Emphasize common ground. This will minimize the defend-attack spirals.
- Openness. Demonstrate openness by acknowledging where we agree with our critics and even what we’ve learned from them.
- Contemplative Questions. Ask more questions to contemplate. We don’t have to convince them that we’re right — we just need them to open their minds to the possibility that they might be wrong. Ask “ what evidence would change your mind?” if the answer is “nothing” then there’s no point in continuing the debate. You can lead a horse to water, but you can’t make it think.
The key victory to winning the battle is not having complex logic or rigorous data. The harder we attack, the harder the opponents build their defense and fought back. Focusing on convincing the other side to accept our views will only create distance and resistance.
Instead of simply attacking, you can approach it like a dance. The other person becomes our partner in creating a dance that hasn’t been choreographed. This dance will help develop unique dynamics that might be used in overcoming conflicts in the future.
